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Keller's NIght with Phil and Barb At the Ranch

Some of you may know that I have a low tolerance for alcohol. Phil and Barb know this. Clearly before I arrived at AIR they hatched a plan to tilt and destroy me.

Within minutes of parking my truck the con was on. Remember, I had just driven 1300 grueling miles across the untamed Idaho and Montana frontiers, a drive without reliable cell phone converge or drive-thru Starbucks, a drive without a good night’s rest thanks to the threat of Somalian copycats pirates.

After this duress, I am delighted to eat and drink delicious food and Indian-reservation wine. The effects of the 55 proof wine immediately take hold and Barb pounces. With her keen predatory timing, she refills my glass and suggests, “Some Chinese Keller?”

I hold up well for about six hours. Towards the end I am so tired and inebriated I start passing out. I should have turned in but didn’t want to be rude to the needy hosts. So I soldier on, at some points holding back tears.

During one snooze, I am startled awake by Phil’s booming voice, “Three more hands!”

It may have been a dream but I swear I saw Phil remove a deck from the leather chaps he prances around in up at the ranch.

I don’t care. I'm up 2 points and confident that I’d end this match with enough gas money to return home to sane folks back in Hollywood.

Thirteen cards are in front of me. I look at the cards and they make no sense. To quote Winston Churchhill, my hand was “a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma.” Consistent with my sleep deprived state of “I don’t care” I lay down my hand to the cackling chorus of Mr. and Mrs. Gordon’s “Mislay, mislay, hahahah Keller!!!” They high-five and start french-kissing.

This makes me uncomfortable so I doze off again, I think for about 20 minutes. When Barb nudges me awake I notice her messy ponytails, Catholic school-girl outfit, and yet another new deck of cards. I figured Phil had wiped a booger or farted on the last deck and that Barb had made him replace it. No worries. Last hand and I can sleep. Phil’s assistant had set up Rafe’s tent in the barn and I was eager to get inside it. Phil suggests that we double up. I decline. Barb pretends to decline. The con continues and I just give them what they want, desperate to get into that goat barn after my long and lonely drive. I agree and the cards are dealt. I look at my hand – a monster with sweep potential!

Nope. It's just a monster setup.

My pair of aces up front is notched by Phil’s pair of aces with King kicker. My KQT flush in the middle is double notched by Barb’s KQJ flush. My quad 8s are notched by Phil’s quad 9s and Barb’s quad 9s. Something seemed weird about this. Whatever. I lost 18 points in one hand and am forced to swim in an icy lake the following morning.

Beware of the AIR

-Keller

"We've already determined that, now we're just haggling over price"

I think Perry short-changed himself years ago when he started the trend for a dollar:

hat tip: Tao of Pauly

My First Tiltboy Homegame

"It was 3 years ago now, but events like that you do not forget. "

Click here to read Travis' trip report as a guest at the home game.

Now THIS is commitment

Google girlfriend help

A "friend" sent me this but I didn't believe him and tried myself. He was right. Check out the helpful completions google provides when typing in the phrase "how to convince your girlfriend"

It's Caption Contest Time!

Not that it matters, but here's the story.

Frieda!

As you may recall, the Tiltboys (err Tiltgirls) recently played in the WPT Ladies Championsip. You can read all about it here.

Well, "Frieda" just received a letter of thanks from Susan G. Komen for the Cure.

Here is the letter (you can click it to enlarge): As Diceboy pointed out "On the bright side, it looks like you only have one of the two major risk factors for getting breast cancer!"

Perry

How a Blowjob Saved the World

[ This is a guest post from good friend, Michael Keller, filmmaker, heads-up poker warrior, and (apparently) blowjob aficionado (who isn't?). Taken from a private email correspondence.].

Eight years ago I might have voted for McCain over Gore (remember this was before "An Inconvenient Truth") In 2004 I would have voted for McCain over Kerry. But after McCain's blunders in this election (Palin, bailout, etc.) I started to think I was wrong about him in 2000 and 2004. I feel good again about McCain after his concession speech reminded me of the conservative-democrat / liberal republican that he really is. I'm thrilled about Obama, but if McCain had lost to say, Edwards, I would have been upset with McCain's campaign strategists who aligned him too closely with Bush/Cheney ideals. You're right -- what a nightmare to be in the same party as Bush, having to go up against one of the worst administrations in U.S. history. Gore lost and he was only up against a blowjob. How terrible.

But wait... maybe not so terrible?

What if, like most blowjobs, that famous one was a very, very, very good thing?

What if, because of that blowjob and only because of that blowjob, the following events were set into motion:
Bush/Cheney begin crusade to destroy U.S. and the world.

Gore makes perhaps the most influential film of all time, potentially impacting humankind more than anything created by a human. (CERN awaits in 2009.) He probably doesn't do this if elected President because he's dealing with 911 (which still happens IMO.)

Bush/Cheney war contributes to high oil prices; Americans reduce fuel consumption and many go hybrid. Thanks to the synergy of Gore & high fuel costs --- green, or greener, becomes a way of life for many.

Bush/Cheney succeed in crusade to destroy U.S. economy and ostrasize the U.S. from the rest of the world. U.S. voters not happy.

The first African-American President is elected in an industrialized country.

***

Is it possible that a blowjob saved democracy and possibly the world?

Yes, it is possible. And I believe that it's our duty to get the word out, to let everyone know what is now so obvious: The True Champion of Democracy is the blowjob.

Can we do this? Can we get the word out? Yes we can!
Can we selflessly promote this champion of democracy? Yes we can!
Can we do it often, with determination and vigor? Yes we can!
Can we -- again and again and again and again? Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can! Oh... MY... GOD... yes we can.

*cue score*
"What a Wonderful World" by Louie Armstrong
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtPF9M3nIHs&feature=related)

Almost fifty years ago visionary leader John F. Kennedy understood and passionately promoted this true champion or democracy -- to the public millions watching his speech on Capital Hill, and to the private Marilyns in the White House closet, "Ask not what your country can do for you -- ask what you can do for your country."


MJK

s00per r00ler for City Council

You gotta love a would-be politician with Roshambo as part of his philosophy. Be sure to read his About Me page. What a r00ler!